Living with the Active Alert Child

I found reference to this book

today and immediately had to search the Amazon used listings to acquire it and read it (at the cost of 37 cents plus shipping of a few bucks - gotta love the online used booksellers)!

And where did I find such a reference? And why? And why it is on my "must read as soon as it is in my hot little hands" list?

Well, to begin with the first question, I was doing my latest "blog thing" which is to visit my favorite blogging friends (some of whom I know in real life, many not) and find out what is new or thought-provoking in their little corner of the world...or just who had a really crappy night with their baby or got peed on or had to restrain a wildly thrashing, tantrumming child in the middle of the grocery store. Can you tell I visit a lot of "mommy blogs"? It's so nice and reassuring to know that I am not alone...or insane...and I can verify this by reading about the trials and tribulations of other moms out there in the universe who are dealing with the same crap (literal and figurative) that I am shoveling day in and day out. And since it's way more entertaining and a lot less expensive than a therapist's couch it's a win/win situation that keeps me sane and keeps me moving forward. While visiting those blogs that are known to me I have a new habit of checking out the blogs that are listed in the sidebars - other blogs that person finds noteworthy, intriguing, or great for a few laughs. While visiting my friend Karyn's blog I happened to click on one of her sidebar "favorites" - Blogs are Stupid. I was intrigued by the title so I clicked on it. And there I read a sweet, well-written, poignant and heartfelt birthday tribute to the blogger's 8-year-old son. In a previous post about him she describes him as "spirited" and hyperlinks that word to this page. Upon reading the definition of the "Active Alert Child" a little ways down on that page, I nearly fell off my chair. I could check off almost every single attribute if I were to think about describing R. And here I thought she was merely "quirky"! Are there really other kids out there like her?

Here's the list of traits of the "active alert child" (and my comments about R in pink):

ACTIVE physically (needs little sleep, can't slow themselves down without help) (when have we NOT had sleep issues with this child? Getting her to go to sleep has been an issue as has her infernal internal alarm that rarely allows her to sleep past o-dark-thirty no matter what time she goes to sleep)

ALERT 4 components are: 1 - keen observers, 2 - no boundaries for self [become overstimulated as they explore everything], 3 - no boundaries for others [get what they want as they intrude on other's space], 4 - no sense of boundaries in the form of rules for appropriate behavior [detect unfairness, but don't always whether or not to try to get their own way] (yes to most of these -- especially the spatial boundries of others and for appropriate behaviors)

BRIGHT (gifted, high IQ) (yes, I don't know exactly what her IQ is, but I'd venture to guess it's in the high range)

CONTROLLING (have high need for control, highly verbal) (oh yeah! very verbal - talking in short sentences at 18 months and definitely pushes our buttons on the control issues CONSTANTLY)

FEARFUL (afraid of new situations, unable to make transitions) (yes again. She is always one to hang back and watch to be sure she knows what she is supposed to do before she will give anything a try. She has a HUGE attention span and had a hard time in preschool learning to move from one thing to another. This has improved but she still needs a lot of cueing and advance warning about transitions.)

INTENSE (life is also black or white, happy or sad - no gray areas) (intense is definitely a word I've used often to describe her. Lately, she's been quite the drama queen with the "NOBODY loves me/EVERYBODY hates me" kind of statements. No gray area there - she is not loved by ANYBODY, dotcha know?)

ATTENTION-HUNGRY (performers, stimulus-hungry feeding on external stimulation) (I often will say that I feel like I give and give and give with her and yet it is never enough. Or if I give and inch she wants a mile.)

TROUBLE GETTING ALONG WITH OTHERS (doesn't easily recognize social/non-verbal cues, controlling) (She seems to prefer playing alone/doing her own thing and doesn't talk about playing with other kids much. The teachers report that she is kind to all kids and gets along but I don't know if she actually forms strong friendships and that does worry me. And whenever we arrange a playdate she says "But, A will take over my friend!" as if she already understands that her little sister has more social finesse.)

FLUCTUATION SELF-ESTEEM (tendency to base their worth upon feedback received from other people, receive more negative messages from others) (not sure on this one - I need to read the book to better understand what this means)

PERFORMERS (charming, delightful, charismatic leaders) (hmmm....this one is interesting....she can be bossy so that might fit the "leadership" trait, and at school others seem to find her more charming that what we see at home...and there was an interesting exerpt from the book that says something about them being able to put on a show at school where they are not in their comfort zone and that you will find that these kids are very different at home vs. at school. So, at school she might be putting on that show and then coming home and "letting loose" on us - as she is wont to do - with her surly, difficult attitude where she is more "comfortable" because she knows we do love her - great, kind of like hurting the ones you love the most, eh?)

EMPATHIC ABILITY "does your child read your mind?", is a barometer of your own or others' emotions). (This is one that I'm not sure on. She doesn't seem to "read" people well, but I think she does pick up on my stress at times....as most kids are able to do. I need to read the book to understand this one better)

I guess I just found it interesting that this list tagged so many of the issues that seem inherent in dealing with R. I can't wait to see what else the book has to say -- and hopefully it will also include some strategies for dealing with her "quirks"...which answers the question of why I needed to get that book!

Tonight R was making more comments at dinner about being "scared" about first grade. I tried to talk her through her fears by having her talk about what kinds of things scare her and coming up with more positive things. She is afraid of new kids, new teacher, new room, eating in the cafeteria. So, I told her a little about what her teacher is like, we talked about the kids she already knows who we know are in her class, and I explained that even though she doesn't know where her new class will be that there will be someone to show her where to go when she gets off the bus the first day. Then I asked her what might be a fun thing to look forward to and she decided that she was excited about art class and music class. And I mentioned that she would probably have the same teachers for those things which made her happy. I think it helps her - prepares her a bit, if you will - to talk through what is going to happen and to help her find the positive side of things. Sometimes I wonder if all her worrying gets in the way of looking on the bright side.

I know she's loved school the last few years and I am pretty sure she'll adjust just fine once she's there. And this year the transition should be easier because she will be in the same school. But, just as I know all that, I also know that I'm in for a few weeks of turmoil here at home as she unloads on me when she gets off the bus all the tension, fear, anxiety, and lack of control she feels when she is at school all day.

I had a taste of that this week with her camp experience. She had a great four days but because she is not used to a structured 6-hour day she was tired by the 3:00 pick-up time and she also had some issues that caused her to freak out once she got home even though she held it together nicely for the camp staff.

So, maybe this book will give me more insight into that little head of hers. I feel like I don't understand what makes her tick most of the time and perhaps if I had some insight I might be able to handle some of the drama she likes to create for herself - or better yet head it off at the pass before it gets to be an issue.

And why must I read it NOW...because school starts in exactly one week. I am hoping it will give me some much needed strategies so we can start the year off right. Wish me luck!